There has been hard hits in my private life for 3 years. It got to a point were I had to strip down everything to find my needs. When life gives you a busload of lemon's - you gotta deal. I had to sort out so many feelings and find the needs that were not met. I am not afraid of feelings (thankfully!) I know they have some message or something I need to deal with.
Without spilling my guts out, I can say this. I had to accept that I could not control being sick or my daughter being sick. I only can do my best. As a woman I am the type that blames myself. One innocent example... when I went to a doctor several years ago. The doctor well hmmm I want to express this without judgement- he just was not in a place of non judgement himself :D . He did not have the time to listen and his reluctance to listen, made me feel ashamed. That it was probably because I said something wrong, or I even gave him a pass that he probably had a hard day. It was an innocent example. But when you start giving freebies were your own boundaries are being violated. I had to deal. With who or why is not important. But I needed to say no thank you! I do not want this. I have always felt shame if I was not the nice and good girl. I bet alooot of girls know this feeling. We are supposed to be soft, kind, generous, unselfish and give up our own needs for those we love. In Brene Browns book on empathy I read with such a reverberation. She was writing about me. In men shame is triggered often by feeling weak or not successful enough.. I feel my life has had a big change, when our daughter got sick. It is like our life before she got sick and the life after. No one is prepared for such a situation. Also when the illness has no clear treatment and the expertise in the health profession is slim. It is a rare illness, which means... so few understands. I get that, I understand that... but it is hard. At times it's a very lonely path...
Scrapbooking became something foreign and so painful. It was hard to scrapbook pictures from when she was healthy and active. It was hard to allow myself to think about anything but just right now. But isn't that how we are in crises? We try to survive the best we can. We do not know when she will be cured or get better. But I do believe it is important to enjoy every moment what ever the challenges are. If we would focus on what SHOULD have been, instead of focusing on what is RIGHT here right now... we would miss precious moments and important lessons ♥ Putting premises on life does not work in the long run. It just creates a lot of suffering. Everyone has value even though they are sick. They are still them ♥ But our society is so focused on what we DO, were we are supposed to go in life. So we do not have any practice in how to deal with illness or the "not mainstream". It is not that people don't care, they just do not know how to deal with it. I get that with such empathy ♥. I have seen others fear or insecurity when they have talked to me about our daughter being sick. They are so scared of saying something "wrong". I so want to just hug them and say, it't ok. I see you are trying your best to contribute in some way ♥
What are you going to be when you grow up is a regular question to kids and young people get. I have said many times - I am going to be thankful for life, grateful for what life brings and I am going to be me ;) Life is so precious, it is so variable. There will be hard times, there will be nice times... nothing is permanent. I really love everyday life. With routines, chores and other activities ♥ That is living, contributing and engagement ♥ So you healthy people, enjoy even the struggle to get the schedule to go up, or driving your kid to practice or so on. It will bring precious memories later ♥
So I am trying my voice again. I am in a place were I accept what is right now. I accept what I can do something about and what I have to remember patience with... I think fear and the heaviness of our situation has made me just freeze up. But better to work on what is alive in me, than to run away from it or ignore it, right? It is ok not to be ok all the time too, right?! ♥ I have been a little creative from time to time. Did you see the images lol!? The clean and simple card was for my goddaughtes confirmation. Using the amazing products from Papirdesign. The canvas I just played around with a rhubarb leaf and Brusho + water. Let it dry, then I stamped with paint using the same rhubarb leaf. The last finishing touch was silver leafing.
Thank's for stopping by, and also for you guys who read my rambling. I just had to express it in my blog. Because life happens, nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to create drama out of either. But acceptance with a good dose of empathy for one self and our loved ones. It helps a lot ♥
Believe it or not, there will be more postings.... maybe even next week! Wow right hahaha! I have some stuff that could be added here to my creative blog. So maybe I will get around to it next week. Fingers crossed lol!
Hope you all have a great day where ever you are and what ever you do ♥ One love ♥ Be kind to yourself and others. Everyone is doing the best they can ♥